“I’ve done a lot of cringe worthy things in my past and I try to forget them and I’m really good at repressing memories so there are many times when a song takes me back to a place where I was doing a lot worse. Even today I listened to a song from Panic at the Disco, Hallelujah, and I remember the first time I ever heard it I was backstage at my high school in the middle of rehearsal for The Little Mermaid. I was back there with (three of my friends). Anything with musical theater, you get really close really fast and it’s passionate but short lived. (My friend) turned to me and was like, “this is such a good song” and I just remember dancing along and being like, “wow I’m having fun” but in hindsight, a few years later I realized I didn’t like those people or how they made me feel. When I heard it today it instantly took me back to thinking about all the things that happened in that show. I don’t listen to a lot of music which is weird because I am a sort of musician. I have this weird thing, basically I have a lot of friends who are devoting their degree to art. Until I got to college I considered myself a pretty valid musician, but since I’m not making a career out of it I’ve been seen as less of a musician. (My friend) said to me the other day like (mocking), “you’re the least artsy out of all of us” I was like, “what?” and she was like, “because I’m a vocal performance major and (Farida) is a film major and your pre law…” But it has kind of become a back seat in my life. First semester of college I went those first few month without any formal music in my life and it was terrible, I hated it and I wish that I had, had it then. I have consistently been in some sort of music program since I was six years old and to suddenly not have that, it threw me off. But the fact that I could go without it for that brief period of time makes me doubt myself since all my friends always talk about how without music, they would die.”
Perfect // Ed Sheeran
“I love Ed Sheeran. He has been my favorite music artist since I was twelve years old. I am twenty years old. It has been passionate love affair for eight years. I knew him before he got big, I learned all his songs before any of my friends. I value lyrics so much more than beats and Ed’s music tells stories. I don’t mean new Ed, I mean old school Ed. I miss that boy... There’s this weird fucked up thing that I wanna change where couples are like, (mocking voice) “this is our song,” and it really destroys that song for you afterwards. When I was eighteen or nineteen years old I was in a relationship with this stupid boy, ugh... a lot of the time I loved him.... But that’s irrelevant. It was December which I think was the peak of my love for him. We heard this Ed Sheeran song and he said, “whenever I hear this song I think of you.” I don’t remember which it was, maybe Perfect... I don’t wanna think about it.He learned it on the piano and it was our song, but I don’t think I ever really agreed to it because I was like this is my favorite music artist, don’t do that. When we broke up, I went home and I was trying to play the piano and use music as a distraction but I couldn’t even get through the first few chords. It was so difficult, I couldn’t stop crying. Performance has always been my safe space. I’ve been singing since I was a child. When I am feeling something and I want to stop feeling it, I will start to sing a song that is irrelevant to the situation because when you sing you need to put effort into making it sound good so you can distance yourself from the lyrics. But listening to music, that is a dangerous, steep slope. The same lyrics can mean something so different after an experience. I remember I used to listen to this song with (my ex-boyfriend), I don’t know which one it was, I have a faulty memory, but I remember being like, “this song is so us because we’re so in love” but then after we broke up I was like, “oh my God this song is so us because she hates him.” What state you’re in at that time can affect how you view those lyrics because you cater it towards yourself. The lyrics to that Ed Sheeran song kept me coming back to it despite its repetitive beat. They were, “We’re still kids/but we’re so in love/fighting against all odds/I know we’ll be alright this time.” My relationship was very rocky because we were just kids, but we really believed we could have a future together and fight all the odds. I think I told you about my attempt to write songs. I didnt wanna keep doing it because anyone could relate to it when it was my experience. When Ed Sheeran wrote this song he was fucking in love. He was about to marry this woman… He did marry this woman. He has gone through years of experiencing love with this... And then me, with my three month relationship was like (mocking) “this is us,” kind of downplaying his love. It’s not the same. But at the same time I guess that’s the point because that’s how you sell a song. No one wants to buy a song about how their grandpa died on Mackinac island eating a hot fudge sundae because no one can relate to that."